Thursday, March 08, 2012

Today my child would have been a year old

This really is a happy post - in a kind of twisted way. You might not think it's happy...but really it is. Comforting too.

I took the Prickly Teen to seminary and went out on the usual 4 mile run. I'm a slow runner, so all I can manage to fit in is 4 miles in the 45-50 mins of Seminary. I beat the storm by a few minutes. SCORE! It was 61f while I was running. SIXTY ONE! Yeah, I'd call that about the perfect running temperature.

Unfortunately because of the storm the 7yo and I (yes, he's 7 now. I may or may not post about that later) have not got in his marathon mile. Oh well no biggie tomorrow's another day.

So, while showering my stinky sweaty body for some reason I started thinking about the baby I lost. I was thinking "Wow. In a few months it will be the anniversary of when my child would be born. What was the projected date of birth? It was March 7-8th, wasn't it?"

And I mused on this for a minute. And then I thought.

"Wait. Hold on. TODAY'S the 7th March!" So no wonder I was thinking about the kidlet. My unconscious knew today was The Day.

Of course, as you're no doubt aware, today is actually the 8th. So clearly I'm braindead.

I still haven't reached the whole point of my post.

After the baby died I was really sad. Really really really sad. In fact, I was sad for many many months. And by sad I mean pretty badly depressed. Life was a dull, dark affair, full of pain and anguish with not much happy stuff in between. And I was all "WHAT the HECK was Heavenly Father thinking, sending his children down here to suffer?"

And let's be clear. His children DO suffer. Life is suffering and pain. And then you die.

And then one day I was getting out of the car (and I find it weird that I remember exactly what I was doing). I must have been pondering on how messy and icky and painful life is, because as I was exiting the car this thought occurred:

"Well hey. Your baby doesn't have to be on Earth and suffer. So that's good."

That, my friends, was the depression's turning point.

That's the moment I can point to and say "Here. Here is where it started to get better."

Cos when that thought occurred I was so dang HAPPY that the baby hadn't been born. What a HUGE relief that s/he didn't have to experience all the crappy Earth stuff. And we get to be with him/her in Heaven.

This, my friends, is a win/win situation. Everyone's happy all round. I can talk about the baby and feel quite happy and relieved about it all. The DH is hurting quite a bit, which sucks mightily. But then, he's the one who had a dream and saw the little munchkin...a little boy...looked like Andrew but chubbier. =)

I'm rambling and not organizing my thoughts or wrapping them up well. What can I say? It's 2.45pm and we're only on Math in homeschooling. My brain is shot and I need someone to cook dinner.


sunni said...

You are an amazing woman and I love ya!

juanitagf said...

Smiles...and hugs...

C2Iowa said...

One word - blessings.

Raina said...

That is an amazing reflection, Keeley. I can tell you care tremendously for the baby- still. Sorry for DH, that he's still sad. I do think God lets this stuff happen to help us grow in compassion. And yes, He allowed you to feel pain, but your baby never had to go through it. That is peace of mind and heart.

Keeley said...

Thank you, all. =)

Keeley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Keeley said...

Sunni, I can't leave comments on your blog but I wanted you to know how beautiful they are. You are a talented photographer.

jugglingpaynes said...

I'm glad you've been able to pull out of your depression. I know how hard it is to find a way out of those dark thoughts.

Thank you for visiting my blog. You always bring a smile to my face when I see the line of comments in my inbox!

Peace and Laughter,

DeanJ said...

I don't know you personally, but I love your attitude and outlook on this. I subscribe to the thought that God takes the brilliant souls right back, leaving them here just long enough to fulfill their physical body requirement.

Thanks for sharing!