Thursday, November 12, 2009

More evidence that I'm simply not a nice person

At presidency meeting this week, one of the ladies said she needed to confess something she did that was wrong. Then she told us the heinous thing she'd done...and it was *nothing*! And I said so. She replied that (the other member of the presidency) would have been so very kind and gentle and uplifting if it happened to her....and she's RIGHT!!! She would have been!!!

And I sat there looking at these two amazing ladies, one of which is practically perfect in every way and the other one of which is also but thinks she isn't.

It called to mind these lyrics: "What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here". They come from this song....though the song had nothing at all to do with Relief Society Presidency meetings. =D

Anyway, so I'm feeling more than a little "Uhhh.....these ladies operate on a slightly different level than I do...", and events of the next day prove it.

Yesterday I was caught in a situation where I felt deceived, taken advantage of, disregarded and emotionally manipulated. Furthermore, I felt that I was forced into doing something I was *not* comfortable doing, and I didn't feel was safe. If we had been in an accident there would have been serious injuries.

The thing is, though, is that we WEREN'T in an accident, and everything was fine.

Now...the other two ladies in the RS presidency would have simply have smiled and been positive and the whole situation would have been a wonderful service opportunity.

Me? I freaked out. I was U.P.S.E.T. And I let the people involved know it. And that's the worst part of it. I could feel the Spirit whispering to calm down, to put myself aside, to think of this as a wonderful opportunity, to help, uplift, strengthen, welcome.

But I was too angry and I didn't. What a lost opportunity! I totally blew it.

In his talk during conference, Elder Scott said, "The inspiring influence of the Holy Spirit can be overcome or masked by strong emotions, such as anger, hate passion, fear, or pride. When such influences are present, it is like trying to savor the delicate flavor of a grape while eating a jalapeno pepper. Both flavors are present, but one completely overpowers the other. In like manner, strong emotions overcome the delicate promptings of the Holy Spirit."

Ain't that the truth? That's totally what happened. I failed to restrain my strong emotions and the Lava spewed out and burned those in the surrounding area.


I felt SO SO so so so so awful once I'd calmed down. =( I fell asleep with it like a bag of rocks tied to my back, and woke up with it digging into my skin. My prayers resounded with "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry".

It's people like me that are the reason why other people go inactive.

So anyway. I was so happy to run this morning. One can almost pretend one is running away when one puts on one's shoes and moves away from the house. I like that idea. I'm good at running away.

A couple of things happened that have helped somewhat. Firstly, my ipod died in the middle of my run. My battery is on its last legs (and it's the second battery my ipod has had). At first I was frustrated. I didn't know if I could run without it. But amazingly enough, it was just fine. My mind switched off. Or, more precisely, without the input of the songs to keep my brain in a fully conscious state, it started mulling over different things. I was able to meditate somewhat. Instead of being hyper-focused on how I was feeling ("I'm gonna die"), it sort lost in other paths. Very nice. =) Very refreshing. =)

Then it was time for scriptures. It just so happened that the story we read together out of the New Testament Stories with Andrew, was The Prodigal Son. As you probably already know, this is the story of a young man who made a mistake, and came back home seeking to serve his father, but was welcomed back as a beloved son.

This story was a balm to my heart. The young man self-inflicted his pain. By not calming down, I did the same. The young man was welcomed back by his Father - and so am I as I repent. Oh thank goodness. I'm so relieved. I'm so grateful.

Now....if only I could AVOID putting myself in this painful situation in the first place by being KIND and GENTLE I'd be happy. Something tells me I might not learn this lesson in this life...I'm pretty stinkin' slow on the uptake.

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