Thursday, June 12, 2008

An email landed in my in-box this evening. I am tired, and because I had just a few moments previously been contemplating my son's onset of puberty with accompanying lack of brain use, verbose and irrational arguments, and all that irritating stuff, I was a bit peeved.

Thus, I wrote a reply. The reply put me in a good mood. =) Lots of giggling ensued. Please find below the original email, followed by my email response. Enjoy.

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America :

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due the Crown (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

God save the Queen.

Only God can.

John Cleese



Note: This is not really from John Cleese. Go to http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp to read all the variations. I don't usually participate in sending this garbage, but this one had both Christian and I laughing. It was posted on TWTM forum.


My response:


Those dang arrogant Brits! They never got over the fact that a bunch of untrained Americans beat their well-trained army. HA! Over 200 years and they haven't got over it. =D

I have to say though....the English have a long memory. The Lancashires and Yorkshires never forgave each other and are still fighting the Wars of the Roses on football grounds. My mother says "The best thing out of Yorkshire is the road to Lancashire." Guess where she's from? =D

Furthermore, I was raised with a superior attitude towards the Irish, and a pathological hatred of the French....the English have been despising those dang Europeans ever since William dared wrest the crown from Harold. And then I had the GALL to go and marry a descendant of William the Conqueror! Am I nuts???? What a traitor! =D

1. Then look up aluminum, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.


If you're going to claim aluminum is pronounced incorrectly, then you should spell it correctly: "tin foil".

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut 'without skipping half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix -ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary toacceptable levels.

Yeah, this one's right. =D Also, one never does "good". One does "well". "You ran that race very well, Johnny" Not "You did good".


3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

Uh huh. And Liverpudlians use perfect Queen's English....as do the Geordies...and the Londoners...and Brummies....

Actually, I have to giggle whenever they play "pomp and circumstance" at American graduations. The first time I heard it I was shocked and confused. Why on EARTH were they playing "Land of Hope and Glory" at an American graduation?



5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

No, English people wouldn't DARE resort to therapists. They just ride horses tearing up the countryside and rip foxes apart for fun.



7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

Bert worked for a German car company. German cars? Not so great. And we all know how wonderful English cars are, don't we? That's why the industry is still going strong over there.


8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

Implementation of this insanity will cause me to commit suicide. American stop signs, right-hand driving and Imperial measurements are a logical breath of fresh air.

Though I really do enjoy the roundabout in downtown Franklin... =)


9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

Not to worry, this one will be here before the end of the summer.


10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

No Englishman worth his salt would ever use the word "catsup". This was written by an American Anglophile. Noob. Probably someone from Kansas, or someone who had a girlfriend in Kansas who unceremoniously dumped him. Also, English chips must not only have MALT vinegar on (and no other kind of vinegar) but also a heart-attack's worth of salt and a boatload of mayo AND ketchup. Also, they must be accompanied by either a battered cod, a battered sausage, or a potato fritter. And wrapped in last week's newspaper.




11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.

Being LDS, I have no opinion on this. Other than....get rid of the lot of it and drink chocolate milk instead. It's yummier. =)



12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try - the Australians and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

Yeah, PANSY, I'd like to see you face down 350lb muscle running like a freight train right for you. "Nancy" my eye.


13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

Cricket? Are you INSANE? The most boring game in the WORLD and, furthermore, according to Douglas Adams, the most EVIL game in the world. Only English people would be so appalling as to make a game out of an attempt to destroy the known universe.



14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

Yeah? Well we want to know what happened to the princes in the tower, and what the deal is with Stonehenge, so suck it up. This is another evidence that this was written by an American. No-one in England could care less about JFK, and most don't even know who he is.


15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due the Crown (backdated to 1776).

Not going to get much money out of us at the moment. Recession. People being kicked out of their houses, having their cars repo'd and not having enough food to eat. Back taxes? How about we charge you for all the money we had to expend kicking you out after your ignorant and intolerable acts of aggression?


16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Again, LDS here, so I don't drink tea....though I used to drink it and it was AWFUL. Only the English could love a drink that leaves you with a drier mouth than when you started...with a nasty aftertaste added on to it. Though I must admit, chamomile tea out of wafer-thin china is....an indescribable experience. Oh my. Hold on a mo while I get hold of myself. There's nothing quite like it. Also, crustless cucumber sandwiches. Oh my.

However, "rich tea" biscuits are GROSS and should be banned as torture devices. You need those keebler M&M cookies. In fact, every English person needs those Keebler M&M cookies....might get 'em to loosen that upper lip. And they also need to quit putting root beer smelling ointment on their cuts!

Actually, I must admit it took me several years to drink root beer because it smelled like germolene. It also took me several years to eat peanut butter. I thought it was gross....then Emily nagged me into eating a reeses peanut butter cup and all of a sudden the light went on over my head. "OH! THAT'S what peanut butter is for!" =D

But I still like marmite.

3 comments:

jugglingpaynes said...

Hehe! I love your responses!

I had the pleasure(?)of trying marmite when a friend visited from England in February. I think it's an acquired taste. :o)

Peace and Laughter,
Cristina

Keeley said...

And not only is it delish on bread...but it's also really good in a cup of hot water! =)

Honest.

Really.

=)

Jimmie said...

Very, very, very funny! :-) I love John Cleese, and having his name there gave me a great voice to hear the letter read in.

Vegetable peelers! Great idea! We could still gouge a few eyeballs and scrape some skin with those. :-)