Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Life is beautiful.

It's snowing. Great big fat juicy snowflakes giggling down from Heaven. The kind that make you want to blow off school and go play.

I woke early. Andrew came in asking for me. I had just been dreaming that he'd had an accident but had tried to clean it up and I was telling him what a good boy he was...and then there he was, snuggled up to me. =)

I couldn't get to sleep after that. Emily woke up a short time later so I think it must have been about 5.30am.

I tried dozing. in the end I lay there thinking how it would be if I went back and lived my childhood - especially at boarding school - with the mind of an adult. Funnily enough, it put me in a fairly peaceful mood for the day - it was almost cathartic...free therapy for the wounded lonely child in me. Here are some random thoughts on my mental adventure:

1. The adults would really hate me because I would point out their illogical behaviour and so they would need to shut me up no matter what the cost or how much it hurt me. Do I do this with my children? Yes, somewhat. Adults need to "dominate" (I'm sure there's a better word I can put there) to a certain extent...or at least the children need to obey them for their own safety...but adults also need to learn humility and the ability to listen. Out of the mouths of babes...

2. The children would hate me because I would point out their illogical behaviour and so they would need to shut me up no matter what the cost or how much it hurt me. Children are "dominated" by adults and learn that behaviour and pass it on to others. Is not this morning daydream of mine simply a fantasy to be better, smarter?

3. I have an inability to shut up. Ben has this same inability. I bet my Dad does too.

4. I would work harder. With my adult mind in my child body I would be able to a) understand concepts easier and b) appreciate my education. I'd get all As, because I'd actually have a desire to do the work.

5. I would stop some habits I formed back then from even starting and thereby save myself a lot of heartache and humiliation.

6. I would practice the piano more and appreciate my lessons. The Spirit whispered, "Hello? You have a piano downstairs. The very same piano your parents painfully scrimped and saved and went into debt for. How about you appreciate it right now by practicing every day?" Uh....oh. Yeah. That's right. Ok, so I'll practice the piano. Every day. *gulp* Something else to add to the guilt list.

Just before Ben came in I had a painful thought. Why didn't I tell about the time the nurse slapped my face when I was crying when I had a migraine? Why didn't I tell about the bullying? Why didn't I tell about the teachers calling me stupid? Why didn't I tell about being looked at with humour mixed with contempt and told I was faking when I slipped, hit my head hard, then fainted when I stood up? Did I think they somehow telepathically knew of this abuse? I smiled at my young self.

Bert had downloaded a game for Ben last night. It was late so I told Ben he couldn't play it last night but that if he wanted he could have his hour of electronic entertainment first thing this morning before school. Ben came in to wake me up SOOOOO excited this morning. =)

I came downstairs and saw the snow! Beautiful happy, juicy snow. Not the flurries that dash about apologetically for their lack of accumulation. Not the tiny, thin, grumpy snowflakes dropping miserably straight down, but the big, fat, Christmas card snowflakes joyfully wending their way to Earth.

I joined in the joy and passed some on to Ben by walking Maus for him while he played his game. I laughed out loud as I stepped out of the house and startled a fellow dog walker. =) The flakes truly did stick to my hair and eyelashes. It was such fun to blink it away. A snowflake stuck to my lips and I licked it away. It tasted of fun and the laughter of my children.

Life is good.


Tristi Pinkston said...

I agree with your use of "dominate." It happened to me and I find myself doing it to my kids. It's a bad cycle, but recognizing it helps it to stop.

carrie & troy keiser said...

I really enjoyed parts of this post and could totally relate to your thoughts on domination. I feel for you! I decided after I had a teacher refer to me as "flunking Flynn" that it would not happen to me again {and I was in the 2nd grade}. It didn't and trust me I don't allow it to happen to my kids {thus my long story about almost homeschooling, that I may write up one of these days}.
I think that sometimes you need to take a morning or afternoon off and just play!

Keeley said...

*Gasp*! A teacher called you "flunking Flynn"? What the heck?

You know, it really gets my heartrate up when I hear of teachers being mean to children. It makes me SO MAD. Like the one 5th grade teacher in my daughter's school who sneered at a boy who needed the bathroom "Are you a baby? Should I get you a diaper?" and after abusing and humiliating him for a few minutes finally let him go to the bathroom.

Ok. I have to take a few deep breaths now to calm down.

I'd love to read your almost-homeschooling story. =D