Oh the horrors of Perpetual Osticulasis!
A Modest Proposal
In today’s society of sporadic hand washing, disease runs rampant throughout the nation, cutting down everything in its path with deadly precision. Though one’s thoughts most likely turn to widely known diseases such as Aids, Malaria, and even Anthrax, there is a more pressing disease that roams unchecked. Perpetual Osticulasis, more commonly known as “The kissing disease”, is attacking our youth and taking them out with staggering accuracy. It is estimated that over 95% of those vulnerable to Perpetual Osticulasis have contracted it and spread it to others.
In today’s society, signs of P.O. (Perpetual Osticulasis) may be difficult to discern, however common symptoms have been reported. It has been noted that while Perpetual Osticulasis does affect some females, it more commonly infects males between the ages of fifteen and twenty- five. P.O. may affect any one, even one’s best male friend. Prime targets also include that cute boy in math class with the gorgeous eyes, a friend from childhood, and even the male co worker who repeatedly assures others that all his relationships are “strictly professional”. Symptoms include the need for physical contact between carriers and the opposite sex, random, (and more often than not), creepy compliments referring to the opposite sex’s physique, and the dreaded cheesy pick up line. Maybelle Smith of Seal Beach, CA, illustrates this with “ I was just walking on the beach, having a good time, when all of a sudden this guy comes up and is all : “Hey baby, did it hurt?” I was so confused, so I responded “Did what hurt?” He smiled and was like “When you fell from heaven?” I ran away as fast as I could.” Carriers of Perpetual Osticulasis in critical condition will often manifest side effects such as a sudden migration from his side of the car to the other, the raising of the armrest between movie seats, and the long, “soulful” look into the eyes.
One may be utterly positive that a male has P.O. if he demonstrates the gravest and potentially disgusting symptom of all: The sudden need to kiss. This symptom does not apply to only one particular female- any one can become a victim Mandy Greene of Franklin, TN, describes her experience with a carrier of P.O. as “totally gross. I mean, we were just friends and all of a sudden he just attacked me! He couldn’t even kiss, I mean it was completely slimy…like a slug, and who wants to kiss a slug?!?” Todd Mansloot, the carrier of P.O. who “attacked” Mandy, justifies his actions with “Dude, I dunno, she was totally hot!” Nothing has been done to reprimand Todd for his actions, which allows him to remain at large and scar more victims with his slug- like kiss.
A logical choice to prevent Perpetual Osticulasis from spreading would be to round up all those who have been reported as having P.O., and simply place them in some form of cardboard cubicle for prolonged periods of time. When they vow not to create more victims, they may be released on probation. Another precaution would be to pass legislation in which all females are permitted to carry a 2x4 piece of plywood and perhaps a tazer. A solid iron crowbar or an aluminum baseball bat would also be acceptable. Instructional DVDs would also be distributed on a mass scale in order to instruct the female population in disdainful facial expressions and demoralizing put downs. This would discourage carriers of P.O. from attempting to victimize another female. Connor Egomaniac of Charlottesville, AL, responded favorably to the Cardboard cubicle treatment with “Y’all are crazy! I ain’t never tryin’ nothin’ again as long as I live!” Likewise, Alex Sleezay of Rochester Hills, MI, after being hit on the cranium with a 2x4 piece of plywood noted “ Next time, I’ll ask for permission.”
Perpetual Osticulasis is a threat to our youth, and society as a whole. If a carrier of P.O. is left to run rampant and is not treated, countless young ladies will be subjected to slug-like kissing; a fate worse than death. By jumping on this issue, it will quickly starve the disease into submission, thereby saving countless lips and reputations. Youth will learn to respect each other, and learn not to view one another as a simple outlet for affection. Perpetual Osticulasis is a dangerous disease, and by treating it, society may avoid victims, such as myself, that are thoroughly P.O.’d.
Man, that girl has a great sense of humour. =D