My goals from last year:
Blog more than last year - COMPLETED!
Finish the TARDIS cross-stitch - Nope
Keep up on the dishes and house - Sorta
Read scriptures and pray more - Sorta
Exercise as much as my body allows - COMPLETED!
Lose 10lbs - Nope.
Pretty good overall. =)
My goals this year.
Finish TARDIS cross-stitch
Keep up on dishes and house
Read scriptures daily and pray at least twice daily
Lose somewhere around 13lbs.
Yes, they look the same. Which means I am consistent, persistent, and awesome.
But that's not what this blog post is about. Noooo. That was just the preliminary, "Hey, how are you? Wonderful weather we're having" beginning.
THIS is what the post is really all about:
I am afraid.My calling took a long time coming, but when I was finally called I was absolutely totally and completely delighted. I was Sunday School teacher to the 16-17 year olds. Most of them were boys...there was one girl. I enjoy teaching, and I immediately and completely totally loved all the youth in that class. Loved them like I've never loved a bunch of youth before. I worked hard to make sure the lessons were really what the Lord wanted me to say - including one week, the day before class, working for ages to try to sort out the lesson and not getting it and finally leaving it alone for a while, then later in the day coming back and writing a lesson that had nothing to do with the lesson plan. It was the right lesson, though, and it felt *so* good to give it.
Every week I hand-wrote a little card to all the students who didn't come. There were about ten a week. It took a long time, but it felt good to do it.
I LOVED that calling.
Then the Bishop called me into his office, asked me how my calling was going, asked how my Spirituality was, then called me to be Young Women President.
I would like to be quite unequivocal here. I am not a leader. I am not natural at it. What I'm natural at doing is staying in my home and trying to talk to as few people as possible, the interwebs notwithstanding. I am extremely introverted and going out and doing things takes rather a lot of mental preparation prior and quite a bit of alone time after. I like teaching. It's just me, the Lord, the manual, and the youth. It's regular, routine, and somewhat predictable. Perfect.
However, as I am being unequivocal here, I would also like to say that as soon as I was called I *knew* that this calling was for me. I immediately knew who I would call as one of my counselors - so much so that I started bawling right there in the office. I have a sure, strong testimony that I am meant to be Young Women President.
But that does not make the calling easy for me. Quite frankly, I am terrified. I have regular moments at home where I cry and eat chocolate. I am overwhelmed. I feel deeply, deeply inadequate. Did I mention I am terrified?
I am terrified of doing a terrible job.
I am terrified that I won't get to know the girls.
I am terrified that I won't reach them or touch them or help them feel the Spirit.
I am terrified that they don't want to be there.
I am terrified because I have absolutely no earthly idea what I'm doing.
I'm terrified because I have anxiety attacks thinking about each Sunday and Tuesday.
I am terrified because New Beginnings is coming up and I'm just sitting here with a glazed look in my eyes with No. Idea. At. All. how to run it.
I am terrified because I'm meant to be planning things and I don't even know what they are yet.
I'm terrified because I'm meant to know how to organize and all I want to do is run and hide.
I'm terrified of failing the girls, their parents, the ward, and myself.
Every time an email comes in from a Stake or Ward leader my heart rate skyrockets and I want to run away and hide.
The weight of expectations is killing me.
The thought keeps wandering through my head, "I am not a leader". Lately, however, it's been replaced lately by a voice that says, "Yes you are. You're a really good one. You just don't know it yet. Growth hurts. Keep doing your best with calmness and faith. It will all work out." And we all know where *that* voice comes from, right?
I woke up this morning, and while lying in bed was pondering how this is really not such a big deal, you know? People do this kind of thing *every day*. So what was my problem? It's no biggie.
So here is how it feels in a way that might help you understand.You are a normal, modest person. You are somewhat introverted. You like going to work, sitting behind a desk, and quietly getting your job done.
Then your boss tells you that your job has changed. You must now host a meeting of many people, stand on the table in the middle of them, seductively remove all your clothing and pole dance in front of them.
You must do this twice a week.
You must look competent and confident while doing it.
You must look like you enjoy it.
Furthermore, you must recruit people to come watch you.
You imagine the comments.
"Why do you have a problem with this? Tons of people do it every day. It's easy! Most really enjoy it. Think of the rewards!"
"Wow, she's not doing a good job removing her clothes. Look how she fumbles. It's quite embarrassing to watch, actually."
"Does she even know how to pole dance?"
"When she took off her top it landed IN. My. Lap! Can you believe that? Does she even know what she's doing?"
"There aren't many people here today. She's not doing a good job of enticing people here is she?"
"This meeting started late! I wonder if she's even planned how she's going to dance for the rest of the year? Does she even have it organized on her calendar?"
"I wonder how she'll cope at the end of the year when she has to put on a huge production and dance for the entire company?"
I know. I'll get used to taking off my clothes. It will become easy. I will eventually get the hang of it. And eventually I won't want to hide in my room, cry, and eat all the chocolate. And the sun will come out and the angels will sing Hallelujah.
But right now, I'm afraid.